


After hours at the cop convention

by reject_sheep



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV), Dhoom 2 (2006), Elementary (TV), Hill Street Blues, Leverage, Life (TV), The Unusuals, due South
Genre: plot what plot?, total crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-07
Updated: 2014-07-07
Packaged: 2018-02-07 22:32:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1916397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reject_sheep/pseuds/reject_sheep
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I just think all the bosses in weird cop shows would SO all get together and drink after hours. Right? And they'd try to one-up each other with their stories about pain-in-the-ass subordinates.</p>
<p>A collection of fragmentary conversation. With drinking.</p>
            </blockquote>





	After hours at the cop convention

“What did yours do today?”

“Licked the sidewalk. Nothing, you know, out of the ordinary. Oh, and Kowalski got into a shootout in a graveyard while he was supposed to be talking to IAD, no big deal. And he left the wolf with Francesca, which kept her distracted all day.”

“Mine just let the most wanted criminal on the _planet_ go because they claim he’s reformed. Apparently love has _saved_ him.” He took a sip of his drink. Then he slammed the rest of it. Fortunately, it was fruit juice and he did not immediately pass out on the floor. “He was such a good officer until he got involved with … that _idiot_ Ali.”

“Crews let a suspect flush his drugs and his partner refuses to file a departmental complaint.”

Bonnano closed his eyes and rested his face in his hands. “I wish I had it so easy. Mine are all criminals. Unrepentant criminals. You know I’m pretty sure one of them is Eliot Spencer?”

“Pretty sure?”

“Eliot Spencer?”

“You know that _super_ -hinky thing in Pakistan a couple of years ago?”

“Oh. Yeah. Mine was on that before we pulled him into the A case.”

“That was Spencer. I mean, we think it was him.”

“So you’re only pretty sure it’s Spencer?”

“Plausible deniability. Don’t you _dare_ send your guys to my city. He does good work, whoever he is. His friends are a little weird. Did I tell you about that one time I played poker with them and his friend Shelly was along?”

“Yes you did, so, _so_ many times.”

“Oh. Sorry. I need another beer.”

“Sounds like yours are at least relatively normal folks with social skills.”

“ _And_ a multi-million dollar settlement. He keeps saying things like ‘violence against one is violence against oneself’ … at the firing range. He’s a crack shot. It freaks out the other officers.”

“Huh. Mine just barges in where he’s not invited, keeps showing up at crime scenes almost before I get the calls. It can’t possibly _just_ be a police scanner. You know he actually threatened the NSA — well, someone who works for the NSA — a couple of months ago? With a subscription to some kind of … stuffed animal fetish service. I don’t know how he even knows these things. And he thinks he’s the smartest person in the room, all the damn time.”

“Is he?”

“No, his partner’s smarter than he is, she just keeps her mouth shut. _She_ has tact.”

“Oh, is this the one who tried to kill a murder suspect?”

“Yeah — except he didn’t really _try_. He toyed with the idea. It was messy.”

“I try so hard, but my officers are all so challenging.” He’s been silent so far, leaning heavily on the table, staring at his pint.

“There, there.”

“One of them thinks he’s psychic, except actually he has a brain tumor.”

“Oh … here, let me buy you another drink. Bartender!”

“One of my undercover detectives appears to think he’s a werewolf. At least, he bit a suspect. While barking.”

“You definitely need another drink.”

“And my soon-to-be-ex-wife keeps coming by to serve yet another extortionate demand before she’ll sign the damn divorce papers. Because she’s lonely. Or something.”

“Bartender!”

“And then he shot up his own damn car. Because can they call for backup? No, they cannot. They just run off half-cocked all the time.”

“Yeah? Mine is working on his carjacking skills. Apparently it’s integral to his _recovery_.”

“We’re not entirely sure, officially, what happened to Roman.”

“Oh — of course. Did you hear what mine did in Chicago?”

“I sure as hell did, some of my guys were there, cleaning up the mess.”

“Shit.”

“That’s right. You should buy me another drink.”

“I will say, they’ve delivered some pretty choice cases to me. All wrapped up neatly. I wish I could hire Hardison.”

“He’d never go legit. You want to borrow mine? He’s on loan from the mounties. You can have his damn partner too.”

“Only if you take Nate for a while.”

“Hell no. I’ll keep the wolf and the mountie.”

“I’ll take the mountie and his partner if you’ll take Crews.”

“I don’t think Crews could handle Chicago. Not enough fruit.”

“Oh my god, Crews and the pineapple. At least nobody in my precinct is going to get scurvy.”

He shook his head and said “It’s Ali. He just doesn’t _think_ until it’s far too late. Jai is solid. Was solid.”

“Hey, they get the job done, right?”

“Oh, more or less. I had to do an appalling amount of damage control in Chicago, though. You would not … oh, but of course you would.”

“They blew up half a precinct’s worth of cars! They almost took out Lower Wacker!”

“I should be grateful. Crews and Reese keep their destruction of property to a minimum — and he can afford to replace his own damn car.”

“At least I don’t have to pay for them. And they are pretty good at wrapping up challenging cases. I wish he’d stop telling me all of my officers are idiots except Bell.”

“Marcus? How is Marcus?”

“He’s doing better.”

“Good. He’s a good officer.”

“Yeah. How’s Jake working out for you?”

“Don’t get me started.” He sipped his drink, the only one of the group with any dignity remaining. Then he smiled. “Fun to mess with his head, though.”

“Mmm?”

“I told him about the hula-hooping. He nearly exploded.”

“You’re a cruel, cruel man.”

“I know,” he said, and sipped again. “It pleases me greatly.”

“No, you win.”

“No, no, _you_ win.”

“Dude, you are _so_ drunk.”

“You’d be drunk too if you had to deal with my precinct.”

“None of you know how good you’ve got it.”

“I do. I mean, if they ever stop being useful, I’ll just arrest them all and retire on a high note.”

“Nasty.”

“Thanks. I do have a statie reputation to uphold.”

“Is there a trophy? Can we have a trophy?”

“No.”

“You’re no fun at all.”

“They do call me Captain No Fun.”

“Ugh, you’re serious, aren’t you.”

“We can’t leave them like this.”

“I suppose not.”

“It would be amusing.”

“But the hotel staff will have to clean up after them.”

“Good point. Let’s haul them up to their rooms.”


End file.
